Rewrite Requested

I know, it’s been a bit quiet around here of late.  I am still writing, just quite slowly, and on three different things simultaneously (hence the lack of much in the way of finished articles).  Anyway, I’ve now got a fourth project to work on, because the other day I got this:

(The story concerned is a 1,000 word version of http://philoddy.wordpress.com/2011/01/20/rejection-2/)

Dear Phil Oddy,

Your story “The Dark” was very close to an acceptance, but there were some slight problems, so we’d like to invite you to take another crack at it.

Oh I did enjoy this. It starts so simply, subtly painting a picture of [spoilers!] and the tension builds…You know something bad is going to happen when[spoilers!], but nobody could have forseen THAT coming! Excellent. Nice tight writing too. I think this will be a five star story if accepted.
– [redacted]

This is like [spoilers!]. I liked the open-endedness of [spoilers!], and very much enjoyed [spoilers!]. The difference between this and something like “The Mist” or IofBS, though, is that it didn’t really have much of a middle plot arc, and the ending stayed entirely TOO open. I wanted to latch onto a few more facts about what is going on so that, even if the main character does still [spoilers!], I have a feel for what is happening. Otherwise, this is mainly just an eerie portrait of abject loss, a wholly-downside-based vignette. Editorial nitpicks: The second sentence ends with a modifier phrase placed such that it sounds like they are going upstairs, far off in the distance. When you introduce Sam, we have no idea who he is or that he is a child. Just label him as “son” or “boy” to make his introduction smoother.
–[redacted]

This story has a nice creepy feel to it. The reader is curious and keeps going. Well done.

The word “was” is used quite a bit- some of them can be taken out to give more active sentences
– [redacted]

This one had me on the edge of my seat and I liked that. I agree with some of [redacted]‘s nitpicks and end felt a little too open for me too. But the tension was great and I got a good snapshot of the characters as well.
– [redacted]

Top notch suspense building and I always love my horror with a dash of humor. (The constant worry of [spoilers!] was chuckle-worthy).

I did want some kind of explanation and a bit stronger ending. I think having [spoilers!] rarely works and this piece is Exhibit A on why we take a hard look at stories that go that route. While the writing is very good, it is frankly a simple trick to paint your characters into a seemingly inescapable corner and then [spoilers!].

I’d really like to see this one published, but before we do it I think there are kinks that need to be worked out.
– [redacted]

Nicely built tension and a good creepy flavour. I really like the opening, and the idea [spoilers!] — very clever! I was tempted to just say yes to this as it stands, but then I realized that would do the story a disservice when a revision could take it to the next level; it’s good now, but could be excellent. I would really like to see a revised version of this piece, just tightened up a tiny bit and with a hint more of a resolution at the end — [spoilers!].
– [redacted]

We’d love to publish this piece, but we feel these issues need to be tackled.

I’d better get cracking, then.

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